A special thank you to Sydney Hatcher for sharing these beautiful words from her book: Still Fighting, Battles of a Bereaved Parent.
The lies I told myself started with: “You have to be okay.”
I allowed myself to go through the sadness as long as I promised myself to find the good. I would take the shortest route to giving glory and most days it was sufficient.
Then come the days where I can’t limit my grief to a quick parking lot cry. The days where the memories are too horrendous to push back and everything just seems to come…
I sat on the ground playing with the girls and out of nowhere a chill went down my spine. It was a hot summer day in mid- July and it started pouring. I gasped for air as I tried to stay calm for my girl’s sake. Without looking at the time, I knew:
One year ago, to the minute, a storm like this arrived. I was
at the hospital with my mom as Carmen went down for her
very last procedure. This surgery was different than her
others, though. Before she was wheeled away, the doctor
looked at me and said, ‘You need to call your husband right
now. He needs to come.’
I swallowed my fears and blankly looked at the white walls as we walked back up to the main level. We went outside. I needed to breathe.
I sat on a bench outside of the hospital and for the first time there was stillness instead of bustle. The quietness was crushing.
I listened for God.
He told me to prepare for the worst.
He told me I would know what it would feel like to have no hope.
And He told me it would be okay.
Carmen’s surgery was brief. We knew what that meant.
The rain picked up and whipped the high-rise windows. Darkness
filled the room as Nate tried to make his way to the hospital.
He arrived late, wet; we were already broken.
That evening was the longest of our lives. We tried everything.
The doctors told us it was time. Carmen told us it was time.
I needed to hear it from God. Nate and I closed the door to the
world and prayed one last time.
I will never forget how God spoke to me that day. The reality I
had clung to for months finally had an ending.
In tears, I walked to the counter where my writing sat.
Shaking, I picked up a pen and wrote the last words God gave me: “God
will bless you for your faithfulness… in heaven.”
Nate thanked God for being so clear. My shoulders sank into his.
My work as Carmen’s earthly mother had come to its end.
About The Author:
Sydney Hatcher is mother to three girls, one of which resides in heaven. With a raw voice and wise perspective, Sydney is an agent of positivity within her community. As founder of Carmen’s Miracle Makers Incorporated, Sydney strives to find good in each day. Sydney has experience in international mission’s work, a background in the entertainment industry, and is a three-time author. Pain and passion collided when Sydney’s middle daughter, Carmen was born. The hospital became Sydney’s new mission field and Carmen bestowed the greatest love story onto Sydney’s heart. It is her shared blessing to have discovered how to advocate, commemorate, and celebrate during her daughter’s short life and has committed to assist other families obtain joy through Carmen’s Miracle Makers Inc.